carrie friend

I enjoyed a lovely visit this summer.

Though there were many photos to choose from, I thought these best summed up our time.

This year marks ten years since we met.  It was eighth grade gym class and while standing in line to do pull-ups or some such thing, we figured out that we were on the same chapter of The Two Towers.

Time did some funky thing to us on this particular trip and we found ourselves fourteen again.  Nerdy, blabbing, laughing, girly fourteen again.  Like some cheesy, magic, awesome 80's movie.  It took my summer up several notches and turned my brain off of it's preschool channel.  I was very grateful.


Thank you C-Buck.  I miss our free and easy friendship that allows me not only to be myself but also to learn more about a side of me that I don't get to visit often.  Starring a girl that can do anything and nothing and feel just grand about it.  You remind me to bask in the little things.  Gummy coke bottles and sweat pants.  Lavender sachets and snacklemouth popcorn.  Cucumber water and Mary Poppins.

Thanks for making me those Aladdin pants.  And for being my Carrie friend that comes to visit and stops time for a while.  Feel free to do that again sometime.

when i grow up

I'm going to be a preschool teacher.

via Etsy

I've always wanted to be a teacher.  It was my go-to answer whenever I was asked the question 'what do you want to be when you grow up?'  But it's been quite the journey to learn that I don't just want to teach.  I want to teach preschool.

Originally I thought I'd teach high school as an english/humanities teacher.  I had two fabulous teachers in high school that inspired me to the point that I was convinced I wanted to follow in their footsteps.  But after a few classes in college I pulled away from the thought of teaching high school, feeling overwhelmed and scared at the thought.  Then a little after I was first married, I worked in daycare and acknowledged that I loved to work with little ones.  I reaffirmed this in the after school program, noticing I tended to work better with the younger age groups than with the older.  Particularly when we had a chance to work with middle/high school age children on occasion.  No, these older kids were not a fit for me.  I came away thinking that perhaps I'd teach elementary school--though I wasn't crazy about every aspect of it.  Sometimes I'd wonder if I should become some sort of specialist so I could work with children one-on-one.  Or maybe I could teach special-education?

Then I began working at my current job as a teacher's assistant to two year olds.  It's the first job I've had that I wasn't trying to figure out when I could leave.  (am I terrible, or what?  haha)  I have loved working with these two-year-olds.  More importantly, I have loved working with the lead teacher I'm assisting.  I believe things happen for a reason, and I knew almost immediately after working with this teacher that I was meant to be in her classroom.  I have learned so much from her and respect her so much as a teacher.  She is someone I can truly model and hope to be like.  She is organized, calm, consistent and aware of the capacity of these young children.  She's taught me to trust that these kids can do more than you'd expect.  For example, the week around Easter we were learning about ovals i.e. eggs.  On the last day of the week the teacher brought real eggs for the kids to crack.  I groaned inside thinking she was crazy.  Give two year olds real eggs to crack?  What a mess!  But it wasn't.  One by one, each child broke an egg over a bowl with a spoon.  They squished it in their fingers and felt the texture of it-- and then we washed their hands.  It was controlled, simple and fun!  Not at all what I was expecting.

I was content to work with this teacher for however long I might, but a few weeks ago she approached me with an idea.  "What would you think about being a lead teacher?" she asked me.  There was a vacant spot for the art teacher and she supposed that the current teacher in charge of the classroom above ours of two and three year olds would do really well as the art teacher-- thus leaving a spot open for the lead teacher.  Me.

It's been a long few weeks since the suggestion was made.  But it's been a very telling one.  I got the job.  After this teacher's suggestion I thought and thought, and prayed and prayed and felt strongly that I should approach the director about it.  Since then it has been like clockwork.  I begin teaching in my own classroom next month.  I've had a few days to substitute in the classroom I'll be leading and I've come to learn that it is completely my element.  I love it.  I love preschool!  I've come to realize how much you can teach kids of this age.  And also how important it is to have good teachers for children this age!  You need teachers who care.  And see it not as a babysitting job but as a teaching position.  Teach them how to communicate the right way.  When and how to say please and thank you.  How to care for your environment by putting your things away and taking care of what you've been given.  How to treat your friends.  To have fun with learning!  I was not expecting to be able to apply the knowledge I've learned from this job so quickly, but I am grateful for it.  It will certainly be a challenge and I'm not going to pretend that I'm not super anxious about it.  But I'm excited all the same.

I'm a preschool teacher!  It took me a while to figure it out.  Despite the many hints I've been given that it was my path.  But I cannot tell you the freedom and joy of knowing exactly who I want to be when I grow up.  Though I've always thought I would be a teacher I was never completely stalwart in the idea.    I've dappled with a lot of ideas.  I could open up an independent bookshop/cafe.  I could go into interior design.  I could go into photography.  I could try acting/singing/dancing.  I could help Ian and become a videographer/editor.  But no.

I'm a preschool teacher.

new spectacles

Finally showing my true geek/nerd colors.  And loving it!

fail

I'm looking through old photos and thought this was a funny sequence.  Especially the last shot.

Can you see your face Mabs?  That last shot is hilarious!  I love you Mabel.  Your sweetness and goodness will never fail to inspire me.  I know this year is not what you planned for yourself.  Not by a long shot.  But I also know that God's plan is always the better one and he definitely has a great plan in mind for you.  I just know it.

never stop trying to stake your place, babs.  maybe you just need to find the right pole.  at least you know the plank doesn't work.

loveyou

sophie visits

My darling kid sister Sophie definitely came to visit.

 

She just graduated from high school and chose US for her senior trip.  How kind.  We had a grand old time, we really did.  However, this visit was the first time I had used the camera in an awfully long time.  I tell you this only because I was out of practice, so I didn't get the shots that I should have.  I mostly took a lot of pretty close up shots of things because I was discovering the camera again.  I've made a mental note.  But meanwhile... you will just have to put up with the close up shots and listen to my stories of the grand old time we had while looking at the pretty pictures, and then use your imagination.  I (sort of) apologize.

There was definitely a lot of laughing.  Oh, Sophie you jokester, you.

There was plenty of eating.  Some dance parties.  Scarves worn on heads by all (doesn't Ian looked thrilled at his inclusion?)  The first night Sophie was here, we were lucky enough to go the the old & beautiful Kentucky Theater downtown to see The Wizard of Oz on the big screen.  It was super enchanting, if I do say so myself.  It was like seeing it for the first time!  Except everyone was singing along on with We're Off to See the Wizard parts.  Especially on the "because's."  We of course joined in.  We all clapped when Toto got away from Miss Gulch.  And several other times throughout.  Loudest when the both witches were gone.  Like I said, enchanting.

We went on lots of walks and drives to show off Kentucky's beauty.  Many movies were watched.  Fireflies were witnessed by Sophie for the first time!  She gasped just like I did.  We did some window shopping and went to 'Thursday Night Live'-- where live music and vendors come out downtown every Thursday night during the summer for everyone's enjoyment.  All of this time together made Sophie and I feel pretty inspired to step outside of our comfort zones and live a little.  This paved way for a trip to Michaels to buys some paints and canvases.  First ever painting!  Hooray!

We went to the farmer's market Saturday morning.  Which is where I began taking all those close-ups I was talking about.  It was packed that day, but still really fun.  During the summertime, there are not only have the farmers and eateries out, but also a small craft fair as well.  

We spent one day at Red River Gorge, which is about an hour & thirty minutes away.  Sadly, the day we went with Sophie Lou-- Ian and I forgot our camera completely.  Sophie did not, so she has plenty of pictures-- but alas.  Again, you will have to use your imagination.  Well, not completely.  The pictures below are from the spot we were, taken on a different day.  Isn't it beautiful?  We swam for a while, laid out in the sun, spent a good half hour skipping rocks.  This place must be where skipping rocks was invented.  There are perfect skimming rocks by the handful every time you go to look for them.  We couldn't resist.  So much so that our arms were sore the next day.  Ian and I hope to occupy this spot many more times this summer.  It is exactly how one should spend a good summer day.  Ian did dare me to jump that twenty foot drop off that huge rock-- which I did, semi promptly.  I think I made a distinct clenching/yelp sound as my stomach jumped up into my chest-- but I still did it.

We also went to the Arboretum, Kentucky's state botanical garden.  This is where the majority of my close up shots were taken.  I actually spared you from a lot of them.  But I thought these were pretty!  The arboretum is one of my favorite spots in Lexington.  I work just down the street from it, so it's typically where I spend my breaks.  It is just acres and acres of manicured pretty gardens and land for all to enjoy.  What's not to love?

Sophie... sometimes you are breathtakingly beautiful.  

And then Sophie had to leave us.  We were sad.  But also feeling very happy that she came our way to stay.  We are missing my family!  If only Kentucky and Utah weren't so far apart.  Sigh.

Thank you for gracing us with your darling, quirky, and stylish presence Soapy.  You took our summer up several notches, for which we are supremely grateful.

oh, right

Blogging.


I've just forgotten about it.  Almost completely.  Excepting for the occasional guilty nag, it's simply not on my radar.  I intend to remedy this.  But it's going to have to be a revamping across the board.  Blogging isn't the only thing that's taken a hit.  We've also neglected to take pictures.  Or film.  I don't notebook as much as I use to.  Been super lousy about contacting anyone outside of my immediate vicinity.

I'm just feeling a little bit buried in the every day.  It's only now, that I've looked up and gone "Good heavens, it's June," that I've realized that I should probably take my blinders off.  Work has been busy.  Our little two year olds have officially moved up to the older class and we now have a brand new set of two year olds.  And lame little me is a bit heart broken.  I have to see my kids in a different classroom.  Who knew this would be so hard!  At least when you leave a day care you can kind of use the out-of-sight, out-of-mind approach to missing the kids you teach.  But I have to see them!  And they run up to me in the hallway and give me big hugs and shout "It's my real teacher!"  while their new teacher has to rush them along to whatever it is they're doing.  Without me now.

I know, a tad dramatic.

I'm sure I will have no problem adoring these new little ones.  But it's making me wonder if I'm really cut out to be a teacher.  Can I handle falling for these kids only to have them go away?  Can I toughen up that much?  Maybe it's not fair to base my future teaching job on this, because I'm also in mommy mode-- and just want one so badly for my own.  But it's something to consider right?  It's rough to recognize that their new teacher is just going to have to figure out how to help them now.  Like today when one of my favorite favorite kids started crying during lunchtime.  I could see her from across the cafeteria and I'm pretty sure my heart dropped and I got teary eyed.  I have never seen her cry like that!  And I know it's because she's not use to her new room.  Her new classmates.  Her new teacher.  And I also know that she's a great kid, and that she'll be okay.  But.  But, but, but.  Do I have to just sit there and watch?

So this is going to be one of those blog posts.  Just rambling about whatever the heck comes to my mind right now, because that's what I'm going through.  I've learned to not worry about chronology in my journal writing.  Nine times out of ten, I'm just glad that I wrote at all and didn't spend all my time trying to catch up on what I'd forgotten to record.  Can't I do that in the blog as well?  Who cares that I haven't written in months.  I'm writing now, so there.


I finally figured out what Both Sides Now is about.  I think I can say that it's my favorite song.  Is that allowed?  Can I have only one favorite song?  I have billions of favorite songs.  But in a certain way, Both Sides Now is my favorite.  The first time I really listened to it I was 17 and silly.  And I felt a connection to it.  But I didn't understand it.  Not really.  I thought I did, but every time I listened to it  I felt as though there was something I wasn't grasping.  Something she was saying that I wasn't hearing.  And then this week, out of nowhere I started singing it to myself on the way home from work.  The radio wasn't cutting it and I needed to sing.  And as I was singing... I started bawling.  I get it.  You have one idea of how life is.  You have a pretty picture in your head, or you figure out some special thing about life's joys and pleasures and you feel as though you know what life is all about.  And then something down the road happens.  Something hard.  And you see another side of life, or those previous lessons you've learned.  "I really don't know life at all," she says.  I get it!

I think I understood the concept before.  But that feeling that Joni Mitchell emits in the song, the thing I wasn't grasping; I feel it now.  It's growing up.  It's letting go of your naiveté and realizing that the older you are, the less you know.  We've come out of having a tough year.  Our pretty plans, that picture in our head, was completely dashed as we came to Ashland, KY.  Ian's job was going to be perfect.  I'd start having lots of babies.  We'd have a house and a garden.  We would be happy and glittery and all of our dreams were going to come true.  But then the job thing didn't really happen.  And I was still apparently broken and kids didn't happen.  And we got by on my little government volunteer job.  And we scrimped.  We figured out the value of money and how far it can stretch.  We gained testimonies of tithing.  We learned to rely and trust each other more than we had ever had to before.  And then we moved to Lexington and things began to pick up.  We're still scrimping and getting by, but with more comfort and ease.  I'm still not pregnant, but I have been blessed with job after job where the mother in me is being worked.

I think I've learned more about life and living in the last year and a half than I ever had before.  And a part of me misses that naiveté.  I miss the pretty images in my head.  I miss my ability to daydream.  I'm a lot more careful than I was before.  I've had to really watch my emotions and hopes, because I can't rely on those things.  As much as I would like to.  The last verse of Both Sides Now goes as follows:

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say 'I love you' right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well, something's lost
and something's gained
 in living every day.

And you know what's the greatest?  In all that rough and beautiful time I've become.  I'm so much more patient that I use to be.  So much quicker to trust and ponder.  I've been thinking a lot about that 'something's gained' line.  And I know without a doubt that what I've gained in this important trial far outweighs what would have happened in an 'easier' scenario.  For instance, if we had received that glittering picture right away.  HA.  Can you imagine?  How would we know how to manage the expenses of a house if we didn't know the value of money?  How would I be doing right now, watching my little babies, without the patience I have now?  Without first having this understanding that my greatest desire, will most likely be my biggest trial?  That taking care of children every day is hard. work.  And that it's not until you open your heart to them that you truly see them.  That that glittering picture from your imagination does not exist.  And relying on it only inspires disappointment.  How grateful I am to know that!  And to hold my hopes close to my heart, and trusting only God to make those hopes true.  I am so glad that He has a plan. So glad that I'm not in charge of it.

Oh my goodness, I have really rambled on, haven't I?  I'm pretty excellent at that.  This is a pretty accurate description of where I'm at right now.  A little wiser, finally realizing that I know squat.  And that I'm glad for that.  Still hopeful for a baby, but not so obsessed with the timing anymore.  Grateful to be learning good things in the meantime, even though I have days where I wish I could see the whole labyrinth, rather than just the hedges surrounding me.  Grateful to be living in beautiful Lexington in our 1800s house.  Grateful that I have a job I can put my heart into.  Grateful that Ian is doing what he loves and that he's getting stinking good at it.

And grateful to realize that our glittering image seems to be happening, just not in the way we planned.

Don't know when I became so open on this thing.  Probably just feeling guilty for the absence.  Just letting you know that all is well!  We're learning to live life every day.  Now we just need to incorporate some more fluff and less work.  And then the fluff will be what I post, and you wont have to read all the way to the bottom of this long mess.

sneak

My papa in law just sent me this photo he took over the weekend.  We didn't know he was taking it.  We were all hanging out as a family, walking around Lexington's Arboretum (gorgeous.  must show you pictures soon.  it's one of my favorite places of all time) when this was taken.  Ian's neck and shoulders were hurting.  And I hate it when he's hurting.  I was trying to give some relief/comfort.  Didn't think much of it at the time.  Just us, being us.  

But do you see this picture?  Could anyone doubt how much in love with this man I am?  Just over his poor shoulders aching.  My goodness.     

I do try to keep my sap to a minimum.  But I'm not afraid to announce aloud how blessed I am to have the love that I do.  I am so grateful for marriage.  So grateful for a relationship that makes me better and pushes me onward.  So grateful for a companion who inspires me by example.  And I am a better person for it.  We're a good team, he and I.  And we're still hopelessly in love.  

I'm happy.  Truly, wonderfully, beautifully happy.  

the job

Love my job.  I watch the cutest bunch of two-year-olds, I promise.  They are so quick to laugh and give hugs.  They're great at boosting your mood.  I love being the one that gets to make things okay.  Even if it's as simple as picking one of them up when they've tripped and had a mini meltdown.  I thought I'd share some stories/quotes with you that I've collected since starting the job two months ago:

-While sitting at lunch beside B and C,  B looks at C and says "C! Are you gonna help Sash?"
C nods vigorously while chewing her lunch.  B asked the same question again and again, almost like a cheer, with C nodding every time in response, until I stopped her and said, "Help me with what, B?" B only scrunched her nose up in a grin at me and then turned to C again. "C!  Are you gonna help Sash have a fun day!"  "Yeah!" C shouts.

-T took a toy truck away from A pretty forcefully and began to ride away with it.  I stopped her, of course, and said "T, did you take that away from A?"  T pauses with her truck, thinks for a moment, and says "... He doesn't need it."

-The kids love to sing at lunch, and they usually sing the songs we've taught them like Wheels on the Bus, Five Little Monkeys  and such.  But occasionally, if we're lucky, L will sing a Yo, Gabba Gabba song that goes "So yummy, so yummy, so yummy.  There's a party in my tummy."  And usually she'll see about 6 'so yummies' before she gets to the next line.  It's my favorite.

-We have a wooden boat that rocks in our classroom.  T was in there rocking out, getting really into it when A decided to climb in as well, seeing how much fun T was having.  But unfortunately A can be a little rough sometimes, a thing everyone knows from experience sadly.  T very articulately exclaims "I've got to get out of this boat!"

-C, noticing her hair getting a little crazy in the mirror, runs up to me and says in her two year old accent "I'm a hot mess!"  I love this phrase.  I'd never heard it before coming to Kentucky.  It's especially awesome coming out of a two year old.

-On more than one occasion, T looks like he has something in his mouth when he doesn't.  He's usually chewing on his tongue.  But every time I ask T what he has in mouth, he'll open it wide to reveal nothing and say "Buddle dum."  (bubble gum.)  So cute.

-L's mom came in one morning behind L who was proudly wearing a ponytail in her hair, and told us that in the mirror that morning, after seeing her hair up, L said "Oh, C is going to love this!"  (C is definitely the most sought after boy in the room.  Always holding hands with somebody.)

-My favorite is when we're having our story time and L goes into one of her stories.  They usually go on for a while, we can't understand half of it, but they always have something to do with her dog piggly-wiggly trying to get into the bathtub with her.

Potty Training:
-While flushing the toilet, C says "Bye poopy!  See you later!"

-C, our most intense child, has really struggled going "pee-pee" in the potty.  One time following nap, after sitting for a minute or two, he grabs hold of the seat and yells "Come ON pee-pee!  Come out!"  He is especially inspired to go in the toilet because then he'll be able to wear "car panties."  His mom tried to correct him to say underwear, but C insists on referring to them as his car panties.

I highly recommend finding an occupation you love.  Particularly one that keeps you laughing.

update

Firstly, my hair.  It's gone now.  I've been wanting to cut it for a long time, but to be honest was a little scared to trust just anyone with the task.  I took the hair-cutting ability in the west for granted last time, and thought I could go to just anybody here in Kentucky.  Yeah.  Sorry Kentucky, but your hair cutting skills are sadly lacking.  I didn't really know this until I'd been given a terrible haircut that I had to go back a second time to fix (with someone else of course) and the second cut was only slightly better.  I just didn't go back after that.  And then of course after the fact, I heard from friends and coworkers that if you wanted a good haircut you had to know someone you trusted and most of them would drive at least two hours to get their hair done (for a lot of $$).  So when I found out that my darling friend Lisa cut hair, was  originally from out west, who also has great style-- I got excited.  She cut my hair Friday night and did an amazing job.  I just needed something I could style quick that wouldn't be in my way all day for work.  Voila.  I'm excited about it.

Speaking of which... did I mention that I found a job?  Not only did I find a job, I found a job I'm in love with.  You might think I'm nuts-- because I am working as a teacher's assistant to 14 two-year-olds, but I mean it.  I love this job.  It's so structured and organized.  They feed me for free.  I eat when the kids eat, what the kids eat.  I have an hour break every day.  I really respect the teacher I work with and agree with her methods (so important!).  Plus, these two year olds are the sweetest.  Never mind the fact that we are potty training.  Honestly, it's just giving me great experience and motivation.  I feel triumph when one of my kids has a break through.  I'm also learning how important being two-years-old is.  I didn't necessarily think about it before, but wow.  Two-years-old is a time to form habits.  To learn how to treat the people around you.  To know when to say 'please' and 'thank you.'  Its neat to see their little minds working and figuring things out.  I just love it.  I know I found this job for a reason.  How lucky am I?

Also, Ian is away.  He is off in Georgia filming a trial with his Dad and the crew.  We're so excited that this is happening!  TruTV had not called for a super long time and we began to wonder if they'd ever call again.  It seems like right when we had decided to move on from them, they called.  Isn't that always how it goes?  And yes, he can leave his current job right now to do this because he's actually a contract worker for the company in Lexington.  And luckily all of the most recent deadlines have been met there-- which helps.  Life is good.  I feel so grateful that I have a job to keep me busy and happy while he's gone.  I've done very well on my lonesome, I think.  I mean, obviously, not my favorite being without the hubs, but considering?  I've been great.  I also have had great friends reach out to me, so I haven't really been on my own.  All is well 'round here.  

That's all, really.  I am itching for spring to begin.  It's so fun being a new place and watching the transformation of different seasons.  I am holding my breath to see Lexington wearing spring.  I've been told that there are age-old flowers planted at our apartment that are beginning to sprout already.  I feel as though I'm in the Secret Garden.  I've been raking all the dead leaves away, preparing for the newness to arrive.  Apparently there are poppies, lilies, roses, daffodils, hydrangeas, irises and many more.  Can you imagine?  The owner, who is now in her sixties, told me that her mother planted the irises when she was a little girl.  I mean, is not that Secret Garden-esque?  I am giddy at the thought.  I'll be sure to post pictures when they arrive.  

So that's us.  Feeling good, doing good.  I sense something special is in the air for this year.  Which could mean anything.  But I'm up for it.

video

Just thought you might want to see what Ian has been up to.  He's been working really long and hard the past few months on the three videos below.  There was a lot of collaborative work on these projects, but Ian was responsible for almost all the filming and the editing.  It's fun for me to see the end result because Ian becomes so focused when he's working that I don't really see how it's really going, or forming.  But now I finally know what everyone's raving about!  The first two videos have actually won a couple of awards for best advertising of 2011!  I'm not sure on all the details, so I'll fill you in once I find out.  I do know, however,  that because of one of the awards, The Hope Center will be receiving $1000.  Isn't that great?  I feel all beamy and proud.  Please enjoy!

I'm actually in this video.   For about a second.  Can you spot me?

Fun fact: my bro in law James composed the music for this one

exposed

I feel the need to branch out a little bit.  Open up some.  Step outside of my comfort zone a smidge.

"It's Not Fair" by Hue

I wish to reflect on the most current point of this road.  The road being our desire to start a family.  My greatest desire; to be a mom.  This type of reflection is usually saved solely for pen and paper as it is something so close to me.  I fear the vulnerable state of sharing at times.  But I think this point is a little more important than normal and I feel it is a lesson that can apply to so many other instances.  And one I really need to hold on to.

It's been two years and four months since we began trying for a baby.  This isn't really all that long compared to so many.  I know that.  But it's incredible how long two years feels when you count it in excited instances and monthly let downs.  A long roller coaster ride with every dip resulting in a slightly more broken heart.


Some string of months are easier than others.  I believe the majority of the time I'm hopeful and optimistic.  But there are also times when I feel confused, hurt and broken.  Exhausted.  I'm grateful for a spouse that forever leans on the hopeful/optimistic side. It's been a tremendous help in all this.  And of course, the biggest help of all has been my faith. But even in that I have struggled some, ashamed as I am to admit.  I have felt directed, and comforted and close to my Heavenly Father.  But I've also had instances where I was far from Him.  Far because I felt I'd exhausted the subject, not wanting to approach it yet again.  Unlearned and forgetful thing that I am.  But by not approaching Him, I am left feeling alone.  Never a good thing.

Regretfully, a big part of this latest epiphany exposes me to my big imperfections.  But as I am sure this is well known, I figured it couldn't hurt to share.  I think I have got to a point where I need to throw my hands up.  I've tried this before, but the persistant planner in me would not let it happen, insisting I continue to think nine months ahead and stubbornly believe well, it'll happen next month.  I feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can to make this happen.

But that's the thing.  There's only so much I can do.  I can't make anything happen.

Church was wonderful yesterday.  I felt so encompassed by love and peace as soon as I walked in.  This of course caused me to dab at my eyes as subtly as I could all day, considering there wasn't any real subject matter to cry about.  I felt a real nudge to let go of all the hurt I've  been building on because I realized the hurt was only paving a road of doubt.  So, I had a firm intention to go the Lord in prayer to drop all of this pain at his feet.  And last night... I got nothin'.  I prayed and prayed but the more I asked to be free of the hurt the further away I felt.  This doesn't often happen to me. It left me feeling really strange.    I didn't sleep too great last night.  Was I asking for the wrong thing?  Was the nudge I had felt valid?

Then this morning I received what I call a spiritual slap-in-the-face.  It's very humbling, but it also startles you awake.  I turned to the Lord again, but this time a litte more open hearted.  What did He want for me to do?  What wasn't I understanding?  I turned then to the scriptures and the words of the prophets.  I found a few gems before coming to this talk: Continue in Patience by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf.  A talk given to the Priesthood brethren in May 2010.

A few tidbits:

• "Patience -the ability to put our desires on hold for a time- is a precious and rare virtue.  We want what we want, and we want it now.  Therefore the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.  Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect.  Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."
  
• "As parents, we know how unwise it would be to indulge our children's every desire.  But children are not the only ones who spoil when showered with immediate gratification.  Our Heavenly Father knows what good parents come to understand over time: if children are ever going to mature and reach their potential, they must learn to wait."
  
  
• "Patience is far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

• "Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

There was so much in this talk that soothed and tugged.  But it also made me stop and think, how big of a brat am I?  I couldn't help but see myself as this whiney baby that wasn't willing to recognize God's hope for me.  Remembering past nudges on this road where he counseled me to just wait.  How patient He is with me!  More than anything, this talk was humbling.  There is something I could and need to be learning in this.  What potential is He hoping I'll reach?  And what if I miss it while feeling sorry for myself?  And what does feeling sorry for myself even accomplish?  It's all around lousy, is what it is.  

And so my prayer was answered.  I was nudged yesterday to be free of this hurt, but having Heavenly Father simply take it away isn't going to accomplish much.  If I choose to be persistently patient in this trial, enduring well, then maybe I'll be shaped to a better version of myself.  But if I choose to sit around letting the pain and confusion of this trial consume me then I will be hardened.  And unhappy.  

No, struggling to be able to start a family was not what I was expecting.  I've been given many promises concerning my motherhood.  And Ian, his fatherhood.  But I'm also aware that I have a weakness: impatience.  I am lucky enough to have a Heavenly Father that knows that withholding my greatest desire from me would teach me patience more than anything else.  And thus... bring about ultimate happiness and a better life.  And though this fire is uncomfortably hot, I know that if I can stick it out with faith, then I will be refined.  Better that then skipping out early, forever misshapen, never knowing what I could have been.

I do feel a little exposed.  This is a lot heavier than my typical post.  But I think it is worth remembering and something I feel the need to build on.  I offer no apologies but do hope that someone else may also feel the need to find joy in patience.

a rearrangement

Hello, hello, hello.  

Happy new year and all that business!  I thought I'd share my most recent rearrangement.  I think this may be the one.  I realized something this last time too.  It takes me about four times.  I have to rearrange about four times before I really love it.  That's right.  The pictures below represent the fourth time it's been arranged.  I'm pretty proud of myself.  Are you seeing the size of that couch? Ian loves it; says it's like magic.  He comes home from work to a transformed house with little ol' me standing in the middle of it.  These moves are not exactly minor.  I'm glad he only sees the end result however.  It makes me feel like I have super powers or something when I think of it from his perspective.  But the reality is...so much more funny.  I really struggle.  I use all of my might.  I move things in an uncoordinated, messy fashion.  Especially with that rug.  It is SO hard to try to move that couch perfectly on that rug without bunching it up.  In fact, it is currently bunched up under one of the legs but it's not visible.  Which represents me throwing my hands up at that point and stuffing it under until you couldn't see it anymore.  I should probably fix that sometime.  I typically get hurt, or scraped up, or smash my toes.  But it's always worth it and I love it somehow.  I would totally do it as a profession, but I dont know if anyone wants to pay me to arrange their home four times before it's good.  

I know everyone says this but the pictures really don't do this place justice.  This last rearranging session has caused me to fall in love with this apartment all over again.   That might also have to do with rent being cheaper too though.  (We're to become the managers of this place next week which means that our rent will go down.  So awesome.  Totally a fair trade.)  But even if the cheaper rent has softened my perspective somewhat-- I'm still falling for it again.  It feels so much more open and welcoming.  It's comfortable.  It's light.  It's charming.  I just love it!  And when else am I going to live in a place built during the civil war? Imagine if these walls could speak.  It's a lovely thought. 

All right, I'll hush up now.  Behold:

Love this quote by Daniel Boone.  And I think I'm beginning to agree with him.

Heaven must be a Kentucky kind of place.