exposed

I feel the need to branch out a little bit.  Open up some.  Step outside of my comfort zone a smidge.

"It's Not Fair" by Hue

I wish to reflect on the most current point of this road.  The road being our desire to start a family.  My greatest desire; to be a mom.  This type of reflection is usually saved solely for pen and paper as it is something so close to me.  I fear the vulnerable state of sharing at times.  But I think this point is a little more important than normal and I feel it is a lesson that can apply to so many other instances.  And one I really need to hold on to.

It's been two years and four months since we began trying for a baby.  This isn't really all that long compared to so many.  I know that.  But it's incredible how long two years feels when you count it in excited instances and monthly let downs.  A long roller coaster ride with every dip resulting in a slightly more broken heart.


Some string of months are easier than others.  I believe the majority of the time I'm hopeful and optimistic.  But there are also times when I feel confused, hurt and broken.  Exhausted.  I'm grateful for a spouse that forever leans on the hopeful/optimistic side. It's been a tremendous help in all this.  And of course, the biggest help of all has been my faith. But even in that I have struggled some, ashamed as I am to admit.  I have felt directed, and comforted and close to my Heavenly Father.  But I've also had instances where I was far from Him.  Far because I felt I'd exhausted the subject, not wanting to approach it yet again.  Unlearned and forgetful thing that I am.  But by not approaching Him, I am left feeling alone.  Never a good thing.

Regretfully, a big part of this latest epiphany exposes me to my big imperfections.  But as I am sure this is well known, I figured it couldn't hurt to share.  I think I have got to a point where I need to throw my hands up.  I've tried this before, but the persistant planner in me would not let it happen, insisting I continue to think nine months ahead and stubbornly believe well, it'll happen next month.  I feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can to make this happen.

But that's the thing.  There's only so much I can do.  I can't make anything happen.

Church was wonderful yesterday.  I felt so encompassed by love and peace as soon as I walked in.  This of course caused me to dab at my eyes as subtly as I could all day, considering there wasn't any real subject matter to cry about.  I felt a real nudge to let go of all the hurt I've  been building on because I realized the hurt was only paving a road of doubt.  So, I had a firm intention to go the Lord in prayer to drop all of this pain at his feet.  And last night... I got nothin'.  I prayed and prayed but the more I asked to be free of the hurt the further away I felt.  This doesn't often happen to me. It left me feeling really strange.    I didn't sleep too great last night.  Was I asking for the wrong thing?  Was the nudge I had felt valid?

Then this morning I received what I call a spiritual slap-in-the-face.  It's very humbling, but it also startles you awake.  I turned to the Lord again, but this time a litte more open hearted.  What did He want for me to do?  What wasn't I understanding?  I turned then to the scriptures and the words of the prophets.  I found a few gems before coming to this talk: Continue in Patience by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf.  A talk given to the Priesthood brethren in May 2010.

A few tidbits:

• "Patience -the ability to put our desires on hold for a time- is a precious and rare virtue.  We want what we want, and we want it now.  Therefore the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.  Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect.  Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."
  
• "As parents, we know how unwise it would be to indulge our children's every desire.  But children are not the only ones who spoil when showered with immediate gratification.  Our Heavenly Father knows what good parents come to understand over time: if children are ever going to mature and reach their potential, they must learn to wait."
  
  
• "Patience is far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

• "Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

There was so much in this talk that soothed and tugged.  But it also made me stop and think, how big of a brat am I?  I couldn't help but see myself as this whiney baby that wasn't willing to recognize God's hope for me.  Remembering past nudges on this road where he counseled me to just wait.  How patient He is with me!  More than anything, this talk was humbling.  There is something I could and need to be learning in this.  What potential is He hoping I'll reach?  And what if I miss it while feeling sorry for myself?  And what does feeling sorry for myself even accomplish?  It's all around lousy, is what it is.  

And so my prayer was answered.  I was nudged yesterday to be free of this hurt, but having Heavenly Father simply take it away isn't going to accomplish much.  If I choose to be persistently patient in this trial, enduring well, then maybe I'll be shaped to a better version of myself.  But if I choose to sit around letting the pain and confusion of this trial consume me then I will be hardened.  And unhappy.  

No, struggling to be able to start a family was not what I was expecting.  I've been given many promises concerning my motherhood.  And Ian, his fatherhood.  But I'm also aware that I have a weakness: impatience.  I am lucky enough to have a Heavenly Father that knows that withholding my greatest desire from me would teach me patience more than anything else.  And thus... bring about ultimate happiness and a better life.  And though this fire is uncomfortably hot, I know that if I can stick it out with faith, then I will be refined.  Better that then skipping out early, forever misshapen, never knowing what I could have been.

I do feel a little exposed.  This is a lot heavier than my typical post.  But I think it is worth remembering and something I feel the need to build on.  I offer no apologies but do hope that someone else may also feel the need to find joy in patience.