Blogging.
I've just forgotten about it. Almost completely. Excepting for the occasional guilty nag, it's simply not on my radar. I intend to remedy this. But it's going to have to be a revamping across the board. Blogging isn't the only thing that's taken a hit. We've also neglected to take pictures. Or film. I don't notebook as much as I use to. Been super lousy about contacting anyone outside of my immediate vicinity.
I'm just feeling a little bit buried in the every day. It's only now, that I've looked up and gone "Good heavens, it's June," that I've realized that I should probably take my blinders off. Work has been busy. Our little two year olds have officially moved up to the older class and we now have a brand new set of two year olds. And lame little me is a bit heart broken. I have to see my kids in a different classroom. Who knew this would be so hard! At least when you leave a day care you can kind of use the out-of-sight, out-of-mind approach to missing the kids you teach. But I have to see them! And they run up to me in the hallway and give me big hugs and shout "It's my real teacher!" while their new teacher has to rush them along to whatever it is they're doing. Without me now.
I know, a tad dramatic.
I'm sure I will have no problem adoring these new little ones. But it's making me wonder if I'm really cut out to be a teacher. Can I handle falling for these kids only to have them go away? Can I toughen up that much? Maybe it's not fair to base my future teaching job on this, because I'm also in mommy mode-- and just want one so badly for my own. But it's something to consider right? It's rough to recognize that their new teacher is just going to have to figure out how to help them now. Like today when one of my favorite favorite kids started crying during lunchtime. I could see her from across the cafeteria and I'm pretty sure my heart dropped and I got teary eyed. I have never seen her cry like that! And I know it's because she's not use to her new room. Her new classmates. Her new teacher. And I also know that she's a great kid, and that she'll be okay. But. But, but, but. Do I have to just sit there and watch?
So this is going to be one of those blog posts. Just rambling about whatever the heck comes to my mind right now, because that's what I'm going through. I've learned to not worry about chronology in my journal writing. Nine times out of ten, I'm just glad that I wrote at all and didn't spend all my time trying to catch up on what I'd forgotten to record. Can't I do that in the blog as well? Who cares that I haven't written in months. I'm writing now, so there.
I finally figured out what Both Sides Now is about. I think I can say that it's my favorite song. Is that allowed? Can I have only one favorite song? I have billions of favorite songs. But in a certain way, Both Sides Now is my favorite. The first time I really listened to it I was 17 and silly. And I felt a connection to it. But I didn't understand it. Not really. I thought I did, but every time I listened to it I felt as though there was something I wasn't grasping. Something she was saying that I wasn't hearing. And then this week, out of nowhere I started singing it to myself on the way home from work. The radio wasn't cutting it and I needed to sing. And as I was singing... I started bawling. I get it. You have one idea of how life is. You have a pretty picture in your head, or you figure out some special thing about life's joys and pleasures and you feel as though you know what life is all about. And then something down the road happens. Something hard. And you see another side of life, or those previous lessons you've learned. "I really don't know life at all," she says. I get it!
I think I understood the concept before. But that feeling that Joni Mitchell emits in the song, the thing I wasn't grasping; I feel it now. It's growing up. It's letting go of your naiveté and realizing that the older you are, the less you know. We've come out of having a tough year. Our pretty plans, that picture in our head, was completely dashed as we came to Ashland, KY. Ian's job was going to be perfect. I'd start having lots of babies. We'd have a house and a garden. We would be happy and glittery and all of our dreams were going to come true. But then the job thing didn't really happen. And I was still apparently broken and kids didn't happen. And we got by on my little government volunteer job. And we scrimped. We figured out the value of money and how far it can stretch. We gained testimonies of tithing. We learned to rely and trust each other more than we had ever had to before. And then we moved to Lexington and things began to pick up. We're still scrimping and getting by, but with more comfort and ease. I'm still not pregnant, but I have been blessed with job after job where the mother in me is being worked.
I think I've learned more about life and living in the last year and a half than I ever had before. And a part of me misses that naiveté. I miss the pretty images in my head. I miss my ability to daydream. I'm a lot more careful than I was before. I've had to really watch my emotions and hopes, because I can't rely on those things. As much as I would like to. The last verse of Both Sides Now goes as follows:
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say 'I love you' right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well, something's lost
and something's gained
in living every day.
And you know what's the greatest? In all that rough and beautiful time I've become. I'm so much more patient that I use to be. So much quicker to trust and ponder. I've been thinking a lot about that 'something's gained' line. And I know without a doubt that what I've gained in this important trial far outweighs what would have happened in an 'easier' scenario. For instance, if we had received that glittering picture right away. HA. Can you imagine? How would we know how to manage the expenses of a house if we didn't know the value of money? How would I be doing right now, watching my little babies, without the patience I have now? Without first having this understanding that my greatest desire, will most likely be my biggest trial? That taking care of children every day is hard. work. And that it's not until you open your heart to them that you truly see them. That that glittering picture from your imagination does not exist. And relying on it only inspires disappointment. How grateful I am to know that! And to hold my hopes close to my heart, and trusting only God to make those hopes true. I am so glad that He has a plan. So glad that I'm not in charge of it.
Oh my goodness, I have really rambled on, haven't I? I'm pretty excellent at that. This is a pretty accurate description of where I'm at right now. A little wiser, finally realizing that I know squat. And that I'm glad for that. Still hopeful for a baby, but not so obsessed with the timing anymore. Grateful to be learning good things in the meantime, even though I have days where I wish I could see the whole labyrinth, rather than just the hedges surrounding me. Grateful to be living in beautiful Lexington in our 1800s house. Grateful that I have a job I can put my heart into. Grateful that Ian is doing what he loves and that he's getting stinking good at it.
And grateful to realize that our glittering image seems to be happening, just not in the way we planned.
Don't know when I became so open on this thing. Probably just feeling guilty for the absence. Just letting you know that all is well! We're learning to live life every day. Now we just need to incorporate some more fluff and less work. And then the fluff will be what I post, and you wont have to read all the way to the bottom of this long mess.
5 comments :
here's my two cents on your feelings of becoming/not becoming a teacher: I felt the exact same way after having to leave my kids in Iowa time after time to go back to school for my "on track". they just didn't understand why I kept having to leave and it was heartbreaking. The point that I knew I couldn't handle it was when one of the "tougher" students that I didn't feel that much of an emotional attachment to cried so hard the last day I was there and made such a big scene-it was awkward for me, but I got over it, but I couldn't stop thinking about how sad he was and how I had no idea that was coming. You never know the influence you have on these tender hearted children. But then again they have to deal with those goodbyes with every single teacher-the important thing is that you love them and they know it. : ) I also had a thought that I'd like to think is true for everyone, cause I know it's true for me. When I had kids those said teacher feelings were lessened significantly. When you don't have your own I think it's easier to get attached to other peoples kids, but when you DO have your own all of a sudden you like other people kids less and less. bahahahaha. that sounds horrible, so please don't get me wrong-I love kids in general and that mothering instinct to protect and help will always be there, but I think you're right-you're emotions are so strong and connected with these children because they ARE your children right now. It won't be until you get your own that that will lessen a little i think.
This is a beautiful post. I'm grateful you blogged these thoughts and feelings instead of stowing them away in a secret journal. I benefit so much from your insight and honesty, your eloquence and optimism. But i have to disagree with you one thing: I think that glittery picture DOES exist. I mean, there will always be trials and legitimate things to complain about, but I believe (and I know you do, too) in the law of compensation-that Heavenly Father gives us happiness and abundance in some areas of life where other areas might be lacking. So I disagree with you there, but i also agree with you there cause I totally get your point and think you're so wise to have learned that God is the only One capable of making those hopes come true. I'm so impressed and wish I could have had the depth and wisdom to learn that on my own instead of having to learn it through a dear friends blog. : ) I have lots of friends who would look at you and be jealous for the amazing marriage and relationship you have with Ian. Oh just think of how blessed your babies will be when they come to your family-you will be the perfect family ever. : ) you already are the perfect family ever!! : )
I love you darling, and know how you feel--almost. You've done good work with your life, you and Ian. So well done.
Oh I am so grateful for you comments! They are the best. And I so agree with you. I'm pretty sure that I'm meant to be a teacher. It's who I am and there are always going to be kids that need to feel supported and loved. And you're right! They are my kids right now. Thus why I doubted my ability to make a clear decision at this point, because I recognize that I am wanting my own kids so badly. I'm sure that that dynamic will change once I have one of my own. So thank you for your insight.
And you're right. I too believe that glittering image exists. What I meant to say, (which I may not have made very clear. I did write this wayy too late...) is that the glittering image in your HEAD does not exist. But thankfully, there is a glittering image that is the reality of God's plan for us. And I've since learned that it's an even better image than the one your imagination comes up with.
Anyway... thank you! You are so wonderful and you say THEE nicest things. I cannot wait to see how your little girl will fit into your already adorable family. And I am such a nerd, but I love to see what you've done with your house. I cannot wait to see how your little girls room is going to turn out. That inspiration board you posted made me giddy. Wish we lived closer!
Wow, Sascha. So amazing and patient and so, SO insightful. You are an inspiration to me, and I really mean that.
Sascha, this is so moving. Lots of tears coming out here. You are wise to see both sides now. I like that song too. And even though you have struggled longer with not having kids, you may not know that we did too. I had such a hard time when we weren't able to get pregnant for over a year of trying. I hope you find a solution. We used Clomid. Then it took three years and a move for the next two. Also, my last one I had to take progesterone to stay pregnant. Aunt Anna too. Ah, these oh too mortal bodies that prevent that glittering image! You will be in my prayers.
Much love. Thanks for sharing your wonderful self.
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