sneak

My papa in law just sent me this photo he took over the weekend.  We didn't know he was taking it.  We were all hanging out as a family, walking around Lexington's Arboretum (gorgeous.  must show you pictures soon.  it's one of my favorite places of all time) when this was taken.  Ian's neck and shoulders were hurting.  And I hate it when he's hurting.  I was trying to give some relief/comfort.  Didn't think much of it at the time.  Just us, being us.  

But do you see this picture?  Could anyone doubt how much in love with this man I am?  Just over his poor shoulders aching.  My goodness.     

I do try to keep my sap to a minimum.  But I'm not afraid to announce aloud how blessed I am to have the love that I do.  I am so grateful for marriage.  So grateful for a relationship that makes me better and pushes me onward.  So grateful for a companion who inspires me by example.  And I am a better person for it.  We're a good team, he and I.  And we're still hopelessly in love.  

I'm happy.  Truly, wonderfully, beautifully happy.  

the job

Love my job.  I watch the cutest bunch of two-year-olds, I promise.  They are so quick to laugh and give hugs.  They're great at boosting your mood.  I love being the one that gets to make things okay.  Even if it's as simple as picking one of them up when they've tripped and had a mini meltdown.  I thought I'd share some stories/quotes with you that I've collected since starting the job two months ago:

-While sitting at lunch beside B and C,  B looks at C and says "C! Are you gonna help Sash?"
C nods vigorously while chewing her lunch.  B asked the same question again and again, almost like a cheer, with C nodding every time in response, until I stopped her and said, "Help me with what, B?" B only scrunched her nose up in a grin at me and then turned to C again. "C!  Are you gonna help Sash have a fun day!"  "Yeah!" C shouts.

-T took a toy truck away from A pretty forcefully and began to ride away with it.  I stopped her, of course, and said "T, did you take that away from A?"  T pauses with her truck, thinks for a moment, and says "... He doesn't need it."

-The kids love to sing at lunch, and they usually sing the songs we've taught them like Wheels on the Bus, Five Little Monkeys  and such.  But occasionally, if we're lucky, L will sing a Yo, Gabba Gabba song that goes "So yummy, so yummy, so yummy.  There's a party in my tummy."  And usually she'll see about 6 'so yummies' before she gets to the next line.  It's my favorite.

-We have a wooden boat that rocks in our classroom.  T was in there rocking out, getting really into it when A decided to climb in as well, seeing how much fun T was having.  But unfortunately A can be a little rough sometimes, a thing everyone knows from experience sadly.  T very articulately exclaims "I've got to get out of this boat!"

-C, noticing her hair getting a little crazy in the mirror, runs up to me and says in her two year old accent "I'm a hot mess!"  I love this phrase.  I'd never heard it before coming to Kentucky.  It's especially awesome coming out of a two year old.

-On more than one occasion, T looks like he has something in his mouth when he doesn't.  He's usually chewing on his tongue.  But every time I ask T what he has in mouth, he'll open it wide to reveal nothing and say "Buddle dum."  (bubble gum.)  So cute.

-L's mom came in one morning behind L who was proudly wearing a ponytail in her hair, and told us that in the mirror that morning, after seeing her hair up, L said "Oh, C is going to love this!"  (C is definitely the most sought after boy in the room.  Always holding hands with somebody.)

-My favorite is when we're having our story time and L goes into one of her stories.  They usually go on for a while, we can't understand half of it, but they always have something to do with her dog piggly-wiggly trying to get into the bathtub with her.

Potty Training:
-While flushing the toilet, C says "Bye poopy!  See you later!"

-C, our most intense child, has really struggled going "pee-pee" in the potty.  One time following nap, after sitting for a minute or two, he grabs hold of the seat and yells "Come ON pee-pee!  Come out!"  He is especially inspired to go in the toilet because then he'll be able to wear "car panties."  His mom tried to correct him to say underwear, but C insists on referring to them as his car panties.

I highly recommend finding an occupation you love.  Particularly one that keeps you laughing.

update

Firstly, my hair.  It's gone now.  I've been wanting to cut it for a long time, but to be honest was a little scared to trust just anyone with the task.  I took the hair-cutting ability in the west for granted last time, and thought I could go to just anybody here in Kentucky.  Yeah.  Sorry Kentucky, but your hair cutting skills are sadly lacking.  I didn't really know this until I'd been given a terrible haircut that I had to go back a second time to fix (with someone else of course) and the second cut was only slightly better.  I just didn't go back after that.  And then of course after the fact, I heard from friends and coworkers that if you wanted a good haircut you had to know someone you trusted and most of them would drive at least two hours to get their hair done (for a lot of $$).  So when I found out that my darling friend Lisa cut hair, was  originally from out west, who also has great style-- I got excited.  She cut my hair Friday night and did an amazing job.  I just needed something I could style quick that wouldn't be in my way all day for work.  Voila.  I'm excited about it.

Speaking of which... did I mention that I found a job?  Not only did I find a job, I found a job I'm in love with.  You might think I'm nuts-- because I am working as a teacher's assistant to 14 two-year-olds, but I mean it.  I love this job.  It's so structured and organized.  They feed me for free.  I eat when the kids eat, what the kids eat.  I have an hour break every day.  I really respect the teacher I work with and agree with her methods (so important!).  Plus, these two year olds are the sweetest.  Never mind the fact that we are potty training.  Honestly, it's just giving me great experience and motivation.  I feel triumph when one of my kids has a break through.  I'm also learning how important being two-years-old is.  I didn't necessarily think about it before, but wow.  Two-years-old is a time to form habits.  To learn how to treat the people around you.  To know when to say 'please' and 'thank you.'  Its neat to see their little minds working and figuring things out.  I just love it.  I know I found this job for a reason.  How lucky am I?

Also, Ian is away.  He is off in Georgia filming a trial with his Dad and the crew.  We're so excited that this is happening!  TruTV had not called for a super long time and we began to wonder if they'd ever call again.  It seems like right when we had decided to move on from them, they called.  Isn't that always how it goes?  And yes, he can leave his current job right now to do this because he's actually a contract worker for the company in Lexington.  And luckily all of the most recent deadlines have been met there-- which helps.  Life is good.  I feel so grateful that I have a job to keep me busy and happy while he's gone.  I've done very well on my lonesome, I think.  I mean, obviously, not my favorite being without the hubs, but considering?  I've been great.  I also have had great friends reach out to me, so I haven't really been on my own.  All is well 'round here.  

That's all, really.  I am itching for spring to begin.  It's so fun being a new place and watching the transformation of different seasons.  I am holding my breath to see Lexington wearing spring.  I've been told that there are age-old flowers planted at our apartment that are beginning to sprout already.  I feel as though I'm in the Secret Garden.  I've been raking all the dead leaves away, preparing for the newness to arrive.  Apparently there are poppies, lilies, roses, daffodils, hydrangeas, irises and many more.  Can you imagine?  The owner, who is now in her sixties, told me that her mother planted the irises when she was a little girl.  I mean, is not that Secret Garden-esque?  I am giddy at the thought.  I'll be sure to post pictures when they arrive.  

So that's us.  Feeling good, doing good.  I sense something special is in the air for this year.  Which could mean anything.  But I'm up for it.

video

Just thought you might want to see what Ian has been up to.  He's been working really long and hard the past few months on the three videos below.  There was a lot of collaborative work on these projects, but Ian was responsible for almost all the filming and the editing.  It's fun for me to see the end result because Ian becomes so focused when he's working that I don't really see how it's really going, or forming.  But now I finally know what everyone's raving about!  The first two videos have actually won a couple of awards for best advertising of 2011!  I'm not sure on all the details, so I'll fill you in once I find out.  I do know, however,  that because of one of the awards, The Hope Center will be receiving $1000.  Isn't that great?  I feel all beamy and proud.  Please enjoy!

I'm actually in this video.   For about a second.  Can you spot me?

Fun fact: my bro in law James composed the music for this one

exposed

I feel the need to branch out a little bit.  Open up some.  Step outside of my comfort zone a smidge.

"It's Not Fair" by Hue

I wish to reflect on the most current point of this road.  The road being our desire to start a family.  My greatest desire; to be a mom.  This type of reflection is usually saved solely for pen and paper as it is something so close to me.  I fear the vulnerable state of sharing at times.  But I think this point is a little more important than normal and I feel it is a lesson that can apply to so many other instances.  And one I really need to hold on to.

It's been two years and four months since we began trying for a baby.  This isn't really all that long compared to so many.  I know that.  But it's incredible how long two years feels when you count it in excited instances and monthly let downs.  A long roller coaster ride with every dip resulting in a slightly more broken heart.


Some string of months are easier than others.  I believe the majority of the time I'm hopeful and optimistic.  But there are also times when I feel confused, hurt and broken.  Exhausted.  I'm grateful for a spouse that forever leans on the hopeful/optimistic side. It's been a tremendous help in all this.  And of course, the biggest help of all has been my faith. But even in that I have struggled some, ashamed as I am to admit.  I have felt directed, and comforted and close to my Heavenly Father.  But I've also had instances where I was far from Him.  Far because I felt I'd exhausted the subject, not wanting to approach it yet again.  Unlearned and forgetful thing that I am.  But by not approaching Him, I am left feeling alone.  Never a good thing.

Regretfully, a big part of this latest epiphany exposes me to my big imperfections.  But as I am sure this is well known, I figured it couldn't hurt to share.  I think I have got to a point where I need to throw my hands up.  I've tried this before, but the persistant planner in me would not let it happen, insisting I continue to think nine months ahead and stubbornly believe well, it'll happen next month.  I feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can to make this happen.

But that's the thing.  There's only so much I can do.  I can't make anything happen.

Church was wonderful yesterday.  I felt so encompassed by love and peace as soon as I walked in.  This of course caused me to dab at my eyes as subtly as I could all day, considering there wasn't any real subject matter to cry about.  I felt a real nudge to let go of all the hurt I've  been building on because I realized the hurt was only paving a road of doubt.  So, I had a firm intention to go the Lord in prayer to drop all of this pain at his feet.  And last night... I got nothin'.  I prayed and prayed but the more I asked to be free of the hurt the further away I felt.  This doesn't often happen to me. It left me feeling really strange.    I didn't sleep too great last night.  Was I asking for the wrong thing?  Was the nudge I had felt valid?

Then this morning I received what I call a spiritual slap-in-the-face.  It's very humbling, but it also startles you awake.  I turned to the Lord again, but this time a litte more open hearted.  What did He want for me to do?  What wasn't I understanding?  I turned then to the scriptures and the words of the prophets.  I found a few gems before coming to this talk: Continue in Patience by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf.  A talk given to the Priesthood brethren in May 2010.

A few tidbits:

• "Patience -the ability to put our desires on hold for a time- is a precious and rare virtue.  We want what we want, and we want it now.  Therefore the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.  Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect.  Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."
  
• "As parents, we know how unwise it would be to indulge our children's every desire.  But children are not the only ones who spoil when showered with immediate gratification.  Our Heavenly Father knows what good parents come to understand over time: if children are ever going to mature and reach their potential, they must learn to wait."
  
  
• "Patience is far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

• "Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

There was so much in this talk that soothed and tugged.  But it also made me stop and think, how big of a brat am I?  I couldn't help but see myself as this whiney baby that wasn't willing to recognize God's hope for me.  Remembering past nudges on this road where he counseled me to just wait.  How patient He is with me!  More than anything, this talk was humbling.  There is something I could and need to be learning in this.  What potential is He hoping I'll reach?  And what if I miss it while feeling sorry for myself?  And what does feeling sorry for myself even accomplish?  It's all around lousy, is what it is.  

And so my prayer was answered.  I was nudged yesterday to be free of this hurt, but having Heavenly Father simply take it away isn't going to accomplish much.  If I choose to be persistently patient in this trial, enduring well, then maybe I'll be shaped to a better version of myself.  But if I choose to sit around letting the pain and confusion of this trial consume me then I will be hardened.  And unhappy.  

No, struggling to be able to start a family was not what I was expecting.  I've been given many promises concerning my motherhood.  And Ian, his fatherhood.  But I'm also aware that I have a weakness: impatience.  I am lucky enough to have a Heavenly Father that knows that withholding my greatest desire from me would teach me patience more than anything else.  And thus... bring about ultimate happiness and a better life.  And though this fire is uncomfortably hot, I know that if I can stick it out with faith, then I will be refined.  Better that then skipping out early, forever misshapen, never knowing what I could have been.

I do feel a little exposed.  This is a lot heavier than my typical post.  But I think it is worth remembering and something I feel the need to build on.  I offer no apologies but do hope that someone else may also feel the need to find joy in patience.